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SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE
By
Jeffrey
Jackson
This is a book for people who have
lost a loved one to suicide, written
by someone who has suffered the same
loss.
I lost my wife, Gail, to suicide
several years ago. She was 33 when
she took a deliberate overdose of
pills. The emotional journey of the
ensuing weeks, months, and years has
been the most difficult of my life.
But I survived and have learned from
my experience. Most of all, I have
rebuilt my life and found happiness
again.
Impossible as
it may seem right now, you will
survive this, too.
This book is not intended to
be a complete guide for the suicide
survivor—it only scratches the
surface. There’s much more you can
learn about coping with your unique
grief than what is offered here.
There are many wonderful books on
the subject—some of which are listed
inside— that I recommend heartily.
However, I’ve written this book as a
kind of “bite-sized” overview. It’s
deliberately short and to the point
to make the information inside more
accessible. You may even find it
useful to carry it around with you
for awhile and refer to it during
difficult moments. This is also not
a book about suicide prevention;
there are many other publications
that address that challenge.
This book is for you.
For
the person you lost, the
pain is over. Now it’s time to
start healing yours.
Introduction
Why we say suicide “survivor
Suicide is different The Emotional
Roller Coaster.
Write yourself a script
Explaining suicide to children
Shock & Grief
Guard your physical health
Stages of Grief
“Why?
A Theory: The Accumulation of Pain
Is suicide a choice?
Learning from the stories of others
Suicide Facts & Myths
Battling Guilt -“If
only I had...”
A true tale of two mothers Mistaken
assumptions
Anger & Blame
Special Circumstances
Acceptance
Reconciling with a suicide victim
Moving On
The Suicide Survivor’s Affirmation
Support
The Suicide Survivor’s Bill of
Rights
Someone you love has ended their own
life — and yours is forever changed.
You are a “survivor of suicide,” and
as that unwelcome designation
implies, your survival—your
emotional survival—will depend
on how well you learn to cope with
your tragedy. The bad news:
Surviving this will be the second
worst experience of your life. The
good news:
The worst is already over.
What you’re enduring is one of the
most horrific ordeals possible in
human experience. In the weeks and
months after a suicide, survivors
ride a roller coaster of emotions
unlike any other.
Suicide is different.
On top of all the grief that people
experience after a “conventional”
death, you must walk a gauntlet of
guilt, confusion and emotional
turmoil that is in many ways unique
to survivors of suicide.
“How long will it take to get over
this?”
You may ask yourself.
The truth is that you will never
“get over” it, but don’t let that
thought discourage you. After all,
what kind of people would we be if
we truly got over it, as if it were
something as trivial as a virus?
Your hope lies in getting through
it, putting your loss in its
proper perspective, and accepting
your life as it now lies before you,
forever changed. If you can do that,
the peace you seek will follow.
Why we say suicide “survivor”
We apply the term “survivor” to our
experience because it accurately
reflects the difficulties that face
people who have lost a loved one to
suicide. Some people prefer the term
“suicide griever,” fearing confusion
with someone who has attempted
suicide themselves. Likewise, some
prefer the phrase “completed
suicide” to “committed suicide,”
feeling the latter implies a
criminal act. But there are no rules
you need obey. Do and say whatever
makes you feel most comfortable.
Death
touches all of our lives sooner or
later.
Sometimes it is expected, as with
the passing of an elderly relative;
sometimes it comes suddenly in the
form of a tragic accident. But
suicide is different. The person
you have lost seems to have chosen
death, and that simple fact makes a
world of difference for those left
to grieve. The suicide survivor
faces all the same emotions as
anyone who mourns a death, but they
also face a somewhat unique set of
painful feelings on top of their
grief...
GUILT. Rarely
in other deaths do we encounter any
feelings of responsibility.
Diseases, accidents, old age... we
know instinctively that we cannot
cause or control these things. But
the suicide survivor—even if they
were only on the periphery of the
deceased’s life—invariably feels
that they might have, could have, or
should have done something to
prevent the suicide. This mistaken
assumption is the suicide survivor’s
greatest enemy. (See page 16).
STIGMA.
Society still attaches a stigma to
suicide, and it is largely
misunderstood. While mourners
usually receive sympathy and
compassion, the suicide survivor may
encounter blame, judgment, or
exclusion.
ANGER.
It’s not uncommon to feel some form
of anger toward a lost loved one,
but it’s intensified for survivors
of suicide. For us, the person we
lost is also the murderer of the
person we lost, bringing new meaning
to the term “love-hate”
relationship. (See page 21).
DISCONNECTION.
When we lose a loved one to disease
or an accident, it is easier to
retain happy memories of them. We
know that, if they could choose,
they would still be here with us.
But it’s not as easy for the suicide
survivor. Because our loved one
seems to have made a choice that is
abhorrent to us, we feel
disconnected and “divorced” from
their memory. We are in a state of
conflict with them, and we are left
to resolve that conflict alone.
The
challenge of coping with a loved
one’s suicide is one of the most
trying ordeals anyone ever has to
face, but make no mistake—you
must confront it. If you attempt
to ignore it—sweep it under the
carpet of your life—you may only be
delaying an even deeper pain. There
are people who have suffered
breakdowns decades after a
suicide, because they refused or
were forbidden to ever talk about
it. Time heals, but time alone
cannot heal the suicide survivor.
You must use that time to heal
yourself and lean on the help and
support of others. It might take
years to truly restore your
emotional well-being, but you can be
assured one thing: it will
get easier. However, some of
the difficult emotions you should
come to expect include...
You may “backslide” from time to
time.
You might have a few days in a row
where you feel better and then find
your sadness return suddenly—
perhaps even years later. This is
natural, so don’t be discouraged.
You will have ups and downs, but
generally, coping with your loss
will get easier over time.
You will encounter painful reminders
unexpectedly.
A song on the radio... the scent of
their favorite dish... a photograph.
Any of these could bring on sudden
feelings of sadness or even the
sensation that you are reliving the
experience of the suicide. When it
happens, stay calm. Get away from
the reminder if you need to and
focus on positive thoughts.onal
Roller Coaster
The American Psychiatric Association
ranks the trauma of losing a loved
one to suicide as “catastrophic”— on
par with that of a concentration
camp experience.
Friends and relatives may not offer
the support you need.
You will truly learn who your
friends are during this crisis. A
casual acquaintance may turn out to
be your most reliable supporter,
while a lifelong friend might turn a
deaf ear. Lean on the people who are
ready, willing, and able to help you
and, rather than suffer the anger,
try to forgive those who can’t.
People may make insensitive remarks.
Suicide is generally misunderstood,
and people will feel inept at
offering you comfort. This is simply
human nature and, while it would be
wonderful if people rose above it,
try not to be too hard on those who
can’t. If you encounter someone who
seems determined to upset you with
morbid curiosity, their own
self-important theories, or some
form of a “guilt-trip,” simply
sidestep them by saying “I’d rather
not talk about it right now,” and
avoid conversing with them in the
future.
Your fear of people’s judgment may
haunt you needlessly.
It’s common to project our own
feelings of guilt onto others by
assuming that they are judging us
harshly in their minds. Give people
the benefit of the doubt and remind
yourself that you are not a mind
reader.
Others may tire of talking about it
long before you do.
Talking through your feelings and
fears is essential for recovery from
your trauma. Unfortunately, while
your closest supporters may be
willing to listen and share with you
for a few weeks or months, there’s
likely to come a time when their
thoughts move on from the suicide
while yours are still racing. This
is why support groups are so
valuable. Fellow survivors
understand what you’re feeling in a
way that even your closest friends
cannot. Your fellow group members
will never grow weary of offering
supportive words and sympathetic
ears.
You may feel bad about feeling good.
You’ll laugh at a joke, smile at a
movie, or enjoy a breath of fresh,
spring air, and then it will hit
you: “How dare I feel good?” It’s
common to feel guilty when positive
emotions start resurfacing, as if
you’re somehow trivializing your
loss. Don’t feel guilty for enjoying
the simple human pleasures of daily
life. You are entitled to them as
much as anyone, if not more. There
will be plenty of time for tears.
Take whatever happiness life sends
your way, no matter how small or
brief.
Holidays, birthdays, and the
anniversary of the suicide are often
difficult.
Generally, the first year, with
all its “firsts” will be the
toughest, but these events
may always be difficult times
for you. Rest assured that the
anticipation of these days is
far worse than the day itself.
It’s only twenty-four hours,
and it will pass as quickly as
any other day.
New milestones may bring feelings of
guilt.
As our lives naturally move
forward, each new milestone—
a wedding, a birth, an
accomplishment— may be
accompanied by new feelings
of guilt and sadness. These
events remind us that our
lives are moving
forward—without our lost
loved one. This may even taste of
betrayal, as if we are leaving them
behind. We must remind ourselves
that we have chosen to live. Can it
not be fairly said that, if
there is a divide between us, it is
they—not we who have placed
it there
You may entertain thoughts of
suicide yourself.
The risk of committing suicide is
far greater for those who come from
a family in which suicide has been
attempted. This may be due to the
fact that our loved one’s death has
made the very idea of suicide far
more real in our lives, making it
very common for survivors to have
suicidal thoughts themselves.
However, you must balance your fear
of this with the knowledge that
suicide is most often preceded by a
history of clinical depression. If
you share this trait with your loved
one, then you may have a reason to
seek professional help. However, you
now know better than anyone the pain
and destruction that suicide causes
in the lives of those we love. The
very fact that you are reading a
book like this one shows that your
desire to heal and live far
outweighs any desire you have to end
your life.
Write yourself a script Suicide,
survivors often find themselves
faced
with uncomfortable questions from
outsiders. It
will help if you can anticipate some
of these and
write yourself a “script” of answers
that you can
mentally keep at the ready.
For example, when someone probes for
details
of the suicide that you are not
comfortable
discussing with them, you might
simply say, “I
don’t really want to talk about it
right now,” or
“I’m sure we can find something
happier to
discuss.”
When new acquaintances learn of your
loss,
they may ask, “How did they die?”
You should
have no reservations about saying
plainly, “They
took their own life,” or a
straightforward “They
committed suicide.”
But if this is a casual acquaintance
that you
wish to deny this information, you
would be
equally justified in saying, “They
suffered a long
illness,” which may very much be the
truth.
The more you fear these kinds of
inquiries,
the better a prepared “script” of
answers will
serve you.he
Emotional Roller Coaster
Explaining suicide to children,
As confusing as it is to adults,
think of the bewilderment suicide
must produce
in children. Their young minds are
naturally inquiring and are likely
to be less
shy about asking questions than
grownups. Others may need to be
coaxed into
sharing their feelings.
Above all, lies should not be used
to shelter children from reality.
This will
only create the potential for later
(and greater) trauma when the truth
is
ultimately discovered, as it almost
always is. Depending on their age,
children
can be taught that the person you’ve
lost had an “illness inside their
brain, and
it made them so sad that they didn’t
want to live anymore.” A careful
balance
must be struck between not
portraying the suicide victim as a
bad person but
making it clear that their choice
was bad, so as to clearly teach the
child that
suicide is not an acceptable course
of action.
It is also important to explain that
not everyone who gets sick or feels
sad
dies from it. Teach them that there
is help available for people who get
sick or
feel depressed—help from doctors,
friends, and from you, should they
ever
need it.
“It’s like a bad dream.”
“It’s like walking in quicksand.”
“I feel as if they’re going to walk
through the door any minute.”
“I feel like they’ve killed me,
too.”
“All I do is cry.”
“How will I ever be happy again?”
The shock and grief that consumes us
after we lose someone to suicide is
overwhelming. It feels like a hole
out of which we cannot possibly
climb. But these are natural
feelings that will dull as you pass
beyond the early stages of the
grieving process. The best thing
you can do is simply let yourself
feel this way. Don’t feel that you
have to “hold it together” for
anyone else—not even for the benefit
of children. If you need to talk
about it until you’re hoarse, then
do it with anyone who will listen.
If you need to cry, then cry. (In
fact, think of a day in which you
cry as a “good day.”)
It is never too early to start
healing.
Find a support group or a qualified
therapist as soon as possible. Even
the longest journey begins with a
single step, and you are taking that
step now simply by getting up each
morning and choosing life.
Guard your physical health.
Your own health is probably the last
thing on your mind as you attempt to
cope with your tragedy. However,
you’re at risk and should take extra
care. Shock erodes your body’s
natural resistance to disease and
you’re probably not getting enough
sleep and nutrition. Some
sleeplessness and loss of appetite
is normal; but if it persists, you
should consult your doctor.
Stages of Grief
While you may hear or read about a
detailed list of “grief stages,”
it’s truly different for each
person. Some of the common emotions
experienced by anyone who mourns are
listed below. You may encounter some
or all of them, and in no particular
order...
SHOCK.
The daze one feels immediately after
a tragedy is actually the mind’s
first line of defense. It insulates
you from having to process the
entire magnitude of it, allowing you
to function until you can get your
bearings.
DENIAL.
Death is the most difficult of all
realities to accept. It is common to
feel a sense of impossibility, or
that it’s all just a bad dream. In
time, our minds become more able to
analyze the tragic event in a
rational, realistic way, allowing
denial to give way to less troubling
emotions.
GUILT.
Guilt comes from a mistaken belief
that we could have, or should have,
prevented the death from happening
or from regret over reconciled
aspects of the relationship. In
truth, we all do the best we can,
given our human shortcomings. We
cannot predict the future, nor do we
have power over the events in our
universe. It is human nature to
subconsciously blame oneself rather
than accept these truths.
SADNESS.
Once the “reactive” emotions have
either passed or become manageable,
the basic sadness that accompanies
any loss moves to the forefront.
This may be felt more acutely when
confronted with reminders or special
occasions. As we gradually learn to
accept our loss and embrace happy
memories of our lost loved one, we
make room in our hearts for
happiness to re enter.
ANGER.
It is common to feel anger toward
the person you have lost. Many who
mourn feel a sense of abandonment.
Others feel anger toward a real or
perceived culprit.
ACCEPTANCE.
This is the mourner’s goal, to
accept this tragic event as
something that could not have been
prevented, and cannot be changed.
Only with acceptance, can you move
on with your life.
Why
did they do it?”
This is the question that will
occupy much of your thoughts for
some time. And if you think you know
the answer, you should think again,
because chances are you’re only
seeing part of the picture.
The Condition vs. the Catalyst.
Most suicides are occasioned by a
“catalyst” event: the breakup of a
relationship, losing a job, or
learning of bad news. Misconceptions
arise when we mistake one of these
isolated events for the cause
of the suicide. Instead, it is more
likely just the “straw that broke
the camel’s back.” Scratch the
surface and you will likely find
years of emotional distress that
comprise the suicide victim’s
“condition.” That condition may be
evident in some of these ways...
Emotional illness.
Up to 70% of people who die by
suicide may suffer from what
psychiatrists call an “affective
illness” such as major depression or
a bipolar disorder.1
Prior attempts.
Often disguised as reckless
behavior, many suicide victims have
a history of prior attempts.
Morbid thoughts.
Many suicidal people are unusually
comfortable with the idea of death,
or convinced that a dark fate awaits
them.
Hypersensitivity to pain.
Suicidal individuals often exhibit
disproportionate emotional reactions
to problems and hardships—sometimes
even to the hardships of others.
Some go to great lengths to help
others because they simply cannot
bear the idea of pain, even if it is
not their own.
A Theory: The Accumulation of Pain
In this author’s observation,
suicidal depression is pain that
seems to “accumulate” from many
experiences. While most people find
ways to cope with life’s common
difficulties, the suicidal
person—while seeming to move past
each setback, loss, and misfortune—
continues to carry pain from each
trauma with them throughout their
lives. With each new hurt both
great and small, a little more pain
is added to this tragic cargo until
it becomes unbearable.“Why?”
A chronic need for control.
Many people who go on to die by
suicide exhibit an obsessive
need for control—what you and
I might call a “control
freak.” Their natural
inability to cope with pain and
misfortune compels them to try
to prevent it by
orchestrating the events in their
world to an extreme degree.
The presence of any of these or
other factors demonstrates
that suicide is rarely a sudden
occurrence. It is far
more often the result of a long,
debilitating breakdown of an
individual’s emotional health.
The Suicidal Mind.
Attempting to decipher precisely the
thoughts of the suicide victim is
much like trying to understand a
foreign language by eavesdropping on
a conversation. You can analyze the
sounds and syllables all day long,
but it’s not likely you’re going to
understand much of what was said.
Based on the accounts of those who
have attempted suicide and lived to
tell about it, we know that the
primary goal of a suicide is
not to end life, but to end pain.
People in the grips of a
suicidal depression are battling an
emotional agony that, to them, is so
severe as to make dying a less
objectionable alternative than
living. One likened the feeling to
“being at the bottom of a deep, dark
hole and, rather than fighting to
get out, wanting to burrow deeper
into the bottom.”2
“Is
suicide a choice?
Choice implies that a suicidal
person can reasonably look at
alternatives and select among them.
If they could rationally choose, it
would not be suicide. Suicide
happens when... no other choices are
seen.”
—Adina Wrobleski, Suicide: Why?
(1995)
One of the more painful emotions
felt by survivors comes when we try
to empathize with the severity of
this pain. We try to envision what
we would have to feel to make
the same choice, and when we imagine
our loved one in that kind of pain
it’s almost too much to even
consider. But there is a flaw
in this thought process. You are
imagining what suicidal depression
looks like through your
eyes—the eyes of a rational, healthy
mind. The suicidal person
has a distorted view of their world.
Problems that seem solvable to
us seem impossible to them. Pain is
amplified beyond reason and death
appears to offer the only possible
relief. In fact, it is not uncommon
for depressed patients to stop
taking an anti-depressant as soon as
its beneficial effects start to kick
in. This may be caused by a fear of
drug dependency, but some theorize
that it comes from a fear of having
to face the world now that a tool
for doing so has been provided. The
disease is preferable to the cure.
Instead of being a “last resort,”
the severely depressed person may
view suicide as a plausible “Plan
B.” It is this skewed vision that
once caused someone to wisely
describe suicide as a permanent
“solution” to a temporary
problem.
Suicide notes,
when present, can mislead more than
they inform. By looking for answers
in a suicide note, we assume that
the victim fully understood
everything that was happening to
them, which may not be the case.
Chase the “Why?”
It’s okay to want to understand as
much about your loved one’s suicide
as possible. Seeking these answers
is a necessary part of your grief.
Some people dissect the
circumstances of the suicide with
the zeal of a detective. Examine and
re-examine your loved one’s suicide
as much or as little as you need to.
But be prepared to face the distinct
possibility that many of the answers
you seek may be unknowable. Only
after you’ve exhausted your
deductive abilities can you finally
let go of the “Why?” There
will come a time when you will
hopefully accept that a satisfying
explanation for your loss may not
exist. And, even if it did, it
wouldn’t change what has happened.
Once you can let go of “Why?” you’ve
taken a great step toward
acceptance—the key to healing your
wounded heart.
“Suicide is a permanent solution to
a temporary problem.”
Learning
from the stories of others
In the stories of others, suicide
survivors may recognize common
threads that help us understand that
we are not alone in the confusing
sorrow we face. Below are just a few
of the more illuminating ones I’ve
encountered...
The “Logical” Suicide.
Sarah*, a woman of 65 was battling
cancer and suffering great pain
every day. While her husband was out
one afternoon, she ended her life
with an overdose. This seems like a
somewhat logical act—except that, 40
years earlier, when still young and
physically fit, Sarah sank into a
deep depression triggered by, of all
things, a cancelled luncheon
appointment and threatened to throw
herself from the balcony of a hotel
room. Is suicide, for some, a
tendency that is “built in”—an
inevitable fate—or was Sarah
suffering from a recurrent
undiagnosed and untreated
depression?
The Man Who Had it All.
George*, an enormously successful
businessman, killed himself the day
after closing on a merger worth
millions of dollars to his company.
In his suicide note, he wrote that,
despite his achievements, he had
always felt like an imposter; that
he was driven by the need to prove
something, but inside, felt empty
and unworthy. Further, he never felt
he got sufficient attention from his
parents who demanded his
performance, then ignored his
accomplishments. Throughout his life
he never sought help to deal with
these issues.
* Not real name.
The “Sudden” Suicide.
Phillip* was very depressed over
being recently diagnosed with a
serious—but manageable—illness. He
shot himself with a starter’s pistol
that he and his wife used in their
sporting activities. However, as
far as his wife knew, they owned
only blanks for the gun. Later, her
son recalled that, years earlier as
a small child, he stumbled across an
envelope of bullets hidden among his
father’s belongings. This “recently
depressed” man had planned his
suicide—ten years earlier.
The “Suitcase.”
Joan* took her own life despite
years of medical treatment for her
emotional problems, hospitalization,
and several rescues from previous
attempts. In her note, she described
her pain as a “heavy suitcase” that
she had been carrying her whole
life. Whenever something bad
happened to her, she wrote “it was
like a wheel had fallen off... then
a buckle would break... then the
handle.” Had emotional pain been
“accumulating” inside this woman
until it overwhelmed her?
The Holocaust Victim.
One of the most famous stories of
suicide is the death of Tadeusz
Borowski, author and Holocaust
survivor. Despite surviving the
horrors of Auschwitz, Borowski ended
his life five years later by gas
poisoning —three days after the
birth of his daughter. How could a
man face down the trauma of the
Holocaust and fail to cope with
ordinary life? Was Mr. Borowski’s
suicide an echo of his earlier
trauma? Were his emotional wounds so
deep that their pain continued to
resonate and build for years
afterward.
The Vengeful Survivor.
Mary* attended my local support
group and seemed to be having a
harder time coping than any of
us—despite the fact that five years
had passed since her son’s suicide.
She spoke of her son as one might
speak of a martyred saint, refusing
to consider, even briefly, that her
son bore any responsibility for his
suicide. Instead, she focused on a
list of culprits whom she felt were
to blame—her son’s employer,
psychologist, and ex-girlfriend
topping the list. It seemed, for
Mary, that her healing was impeded
by her quest for a scapegoat in her
son’s suicide, and by her
unwillingness to accept the reality
of the emotional crisis he was
likely suffering.
* Not real name.
FACT: Nearly 30,000 Americans commit
suicide each year.
Suicide is the 11th leading cause of
death in the nation, claiming twice
as many lives each year as HIV/AIDS.
FACT: Male suicides outnumber female
suicides by 4 to 1.
However, three times as many women
attempt suicide. The reason for this
is not certain, but many feel male
tendencies towards greater
aggressiveness makes their attempts
more often fatal.3
MYTH: Teenagers are more likely to
kill themselves.
A common misconception caused by
media coverage of teen suicides. In
fact, white males over 65 are the
people most likely to die by
suicide. However, the suicide rate
for white males aged 15–24 has
tripled since 1950, and has more
than doubled for children aged
10–14.
FACT: Up to 70% of all people who
die by suicide may suffer from an
affective illness such as depression
or bipolar disorder.
FACT: Alcoholism is a factor in
about 20% of all suicides.
Up to 18% of alcoholics may die by
suicide.
MYTH: If there was no note, then it
couldn’t have been suicide.
Only one in four or five people who
commit suicide leave a note. The
absence of a note does not indicate
an accidental suicide, nor does the
presence of one reflect the thoughts
of a rational mind.
MYTH: People who talk about
committing suicide, don’t.
Suicide victims often make their
suicidal feelings and intentions
known. While this does not
necessarily mean that the suicide
could have been prevented, anyone
who threatens or talks of suicide
should be taken seriously and urged
to seek professional help as soon as
possible.
FACT: Firearms are now used in more
suicides than homicides.
It’s the fastest-growing method,
used in nearly 60% of all suicides.
Next is
hanging/strangulation/suffocation at
nearly 20%; solid & liquid
poisons/overdoses comprise about
10%; gas poisons are used about 6%
of the time; the remaining number of
suicides employ other methods
including jumping from a high place,
cutting & piercing, drowning,
jumping/lying before moving object,
burns & fire, and crashing of a
motor vehicle.7
MYTH: Someone who attempts suicide
will not try it again.
Many suicide victims have made prior
attempts, sometimes several. These
attempts can be in the form of
reckless behavior that is not
recognized as suicidal.
MYTH: Suicide is hereditary.
There is no “suicide gene.” However,
if you come from a family where
someone has killed himself, you are
at greater risk of suicide than the
average person. The reason isn’t
clear, but part of it may be due to
the example set by the relative, and
part of it due to inherited factors
such as depression and temperament.6
FACT: Up to 15% of all fatal traffic
accidents may be suicides
according to some experts.9
MYTH: Once a suicidal crisis has
passed, the person is out of danger.
Many suicides in which there was a
prior attempt occur during a
period of perceived improvement in
mood and state of mind. It is
theorized that this is
because the individual has regained
the energy to put his suicidal
thoughts into action.8
MYTH: Most people kill themselves
during winter or the Christmas
holidays.
In fact, the most common season for
suicide is spring, when the
contrast between depression and
nature’s annual rebirth may make
life seem increasingly
intolerable for the suicidal.
Guilt
is the one negative emotion that
seems to be universal to all
survivors of suicide, and overcoming
it is perhaps
our greatest obstacle on the path to
healing. Guilt is your worst enemy,
because it is a false accusation.
You are not responsible for your
loved one’s suicide in any way,
shape, or form.
Write it down. Say it to yourself
over and over
again, (even when it feels false).
Tattoo it onto your brain.
Because it’s the truth. Why do
suicide survivors tend to blame
themselves? Psychiatrists theorize
that human nature subconsciously
resists so strongly the idea that we
cannot control all the events of our
lives that we would rather fault
ourselves for a tragic occurrence
than accept our inability to prevent
it. Simply put, we don’t like
admitting to ourselves that we’re
only human, so we blame ourselves
instead. One of the most unusual
aspects of survivor guilt is that it
is usually a solo trip— each
survivor tends to blame primarily
themselves. Try asking another
person who is also mourning your
lost loved one about any guilt
feelings that are haunting them.
Chances are you will find that each
person— no matter how close or
removed they were from the suicide
victim—willingly takes the lion’s
share of blame on themselves. If
they were the one closest to the
deceased then they theorize, “I
should’ve known exactly what was
going on in their mind.” If they
were distanced from that person,
they feel, “If I’d only been closer
to them...” Well, you can’t all be
to blame, can you? Isn’t it far more
logical that none of you are
responsible? Well, then who is? The
simple truth of the matter is that
only one person is responsible
for any suicide: the victim. But
that’s a tough pill to swallow, so
instead of ascribing responsibility
to our suffering loved one, we nobly
sacrifice by taking it on ourselves.
It’s understandable to feel such
love and empathy toward the person
we lost that we are loathe placing
blame on them. The key lies in
understanding the difference between
blame and responsibility.
Blame is accusatory and judgmental,
but assigning responsibility need
only be a simple acknowledgement of
fact. It’s unclear how much
control, if any, suicide victims
have over their actions. And if
clinical depression is at the root,
and then we could easily think of
suicides as victims of disease, just
like cancer victims. This is why a
person who dies by suicide doesn’t
deserve blame. However, on some
level, there was a conscious choice
made by that person, even if it was
made with a clouded mind. So the
responsibility does lie with
them. Acknowledging this simple
fact does not mean that you did not
love them, nor does it mean that you
are holding them in contempt. It
means that you are looking at a
tragic event clearly and accepting
it for what it is.
“Guilt
is what we feel when we place our
anger where it doesn’t belong— on
ourselves.”
A
guilt-busting exercise:
Make a
list of all the things that you did
to help and comfort your lost loved
one. You’ll probably find the list
is longer than you realized.
Guilt is anger turned inward.
Suicide produces many painful and
confusing emotions in survivors, one
of which is frustration at being so
violently cut off from the
victim—from the chance to help them,
talk with them, or even simply to
say goodbye. This frustration
produces anger, and when we turn
this anger upon ourselves, the
result is guilt. Guilt can also
come from an unfounded
assumption that others are
silently blaming us. Both parents
and spouses express fear that the
world at large will brand them as
failures in their respective roles
because of the suicide. While some
small-minded people may think or
even speak such accusations, most
will not, so don’t project negative
thoughts onto others by judging
yourself for them.
”If only I had...”
A true tale of two mothers
There were two young women who died
by suicide, both about the same age,
both after a years-long battle with
depression. Each had made several
suicide attempts. They would refuse
professional help and stop taking
their medication just when it seemed
to begin helping. Fearing for her
life, the first woman’s mother had
her committed—against her wishes—to
a psychiatric clinic for treatment.
While there, despite being on
“suicide watch,” the young girl
asphyxiated herself with her bed
sheets. The second woman’s mother
constantly urged her daughter to
seek professional help. However,
fearing that she would worsen her
daughter’s depression, she refused
to force her into any kind of
institutionalized care. One day, she
killed herself with an overdose of
medication. Afterwards, both
mothers blamed themselves for not
preventing their daughter’s
suicides. The irony is that each
blamed themselves for not doing
exactly what the other one did.
The first mother felt that if she
hadn’t isolated her daughter in that
institution, she wouldn’t have lost
her. The second was sure that if she
only had committed her daughter, she
would’ve been saved. We often fail
to realize that, even if we could
turn back the clock and do things
differently, it wouldn’t necessarily
change the outcome.
Parents
of children who die by suicide often
battle an added type of guilt. Even
if they do not blame themselves for
not directly intervening in the
suicidal act, they often feel guilt
over some perceived mistake in
raising their children. “Where did I
go wrong?,” “I pushed them too
hard.” And “If we hadn’t gotten
divorced...” are just a few on the
list of self-recriminations. But
parents need to remind themselves
that, while they have great
influence over their children’s
lives, they do not personally create
every aspect of their children’s
being, as a sculptor carves a
statue. From their earliest years,
children are shaped by an assortment
of outside influences beyond the
control of parents. Even children
and teenagers have to bear
responsibility for their actions.
Spouses
also tend to feel acutely guilty for
a suicide. The natural partnership
that comprises marriage implies a
mutual responsibility to look after
each other. But spouses need to
realize that the root causes of
suicide—notably clinical
depression—are beyond the control of
even the most devoted husband or
wife and that even mental health
professionals often fail to
detect the warning signs of suicide.
“I’m glad they did it.”
Though rarely expressed aloud, many
survivors feel a measure of relief,
especially when the suicide victim’s
emotional battles were well known to
them and punctuated with traumatic
episodes and suicide attempts. To
breathe easier because they—and
you—are now spared from future
torment is understandable. However,
such feelings of relief are usually
followed by a rush of guilt for
having had them. If you have these
feelings, recognize them as natural,
and give yourself a break. Anyone
who has had to witness and suffer
the long, emotional descent of a
loved one would feel a pang of
relief at that rocky road’s end.
Moving forward
with your life brings its own dose
of guilt.
Whether it’s returning to the simple
routine of daily subsistence
or embarking on new journeys in
life, survivors often
feel as if this is some affront to
the person we’ve lost. “How
can I live knowing they’re not
here?” your mind may taunt
you. Your strength lies in knowing
that, while your lost
loved one has chosen death, you have
chosen life—and life
is a gift that we honor by living.
Mistaken assumptions
The suicide survivor is prone to
many self-defeating assumptions,
all of which are likely to be
mistaken...
“I know why they did it.”
The motivations behind suicide are
complex and often inexplicable.
False conclusions about your loved
one’s suicide may only add to your
own pain.
“If I’d only done (X), they’d still
be alive.”
Thinking that you (or anyone else)
had could have prevented the
suicide, is assuming that we all
have far more power over the lives
of others than we actually do.
Furthermore, many suicide victims
persist and succeed in ending their
lives despite being rescued before.
“It’s their wife’s/parents’/doctor’s
fault.”
Blaming others is a form of denial.
Only by facing the truth of your
loss and the responsibility that
lies with the victim can you recover
from grief.
“I know what people think about me.”
While suicide survivors are still
often stigmatized, our fear of it
becomes self-fulfilling when we
mistakenly project negative thoughts
onto others.
“I will never be able to enjoy life
again.”
Don’t deny your mind’s natural
ability to heal. While your life may
be forever changed, it need not be
forever painful.
Negative
emotions surround the suicide
survivor, complicating our road back
from sorrow. Anger is a natural
part
of the grieving process, but
survivors of suicide are far more
susceptible to it—and not without
justification. Anyone who mourns
may feel anger—frustration at being
powerless in the face of death or
rage at some real or perceived
culprit. However, those who mourn a
suicide know the identity of the
responsible party—and who wouldn’t
feel anger toward the person who
ended the life of someone we love
and who devastated everyone around
us? Many will be loathe viewing
their loved one in such harsh light,
but the concept is there in our
minds, at the core of our despair.
At some point, that anger may
surface. If you feel such anger,
don’t try to repress it—let it out.
It’s a natural part of your healing
process. You won’t hate them
forever. Quite the contrary—once
expressed, it will be easier for you
to let go of your anger and begin to
embrace positive thoughts and happy
memories of your lost loved one.
Blaming others.
Some survivors feel the need for a
culprit, again out of a reluctance
to place responsibility on the
suicide victim. “It’s the doctor’s
fault.” “His wife/mother/brother
drove him to it.” “If only the
government had a better program...”
Some even pour their frustration
into crusades against some perceived
social evil that is responsible for
their loved one’s suicide. While
these people seem to have a
productive focus for their grief,
they are only hurting themselves by
not facing the truth of their loved
one’s suicide. Their road back to
peace is made longer and rockier
by misdirected anger.
While
all suicide survivors face many of
the same challenges, each may also
face difficulties unique to their
relationship with the victim...
Parents
face the potential for unique forms
of guilt, although it is just as
unfounded as the guilt typically
experienced by survivors. While
parents might forgive themselves for
being unable to intervene in the
suicidal act, they may blame
themselves for some perceived
mistake made in raising their
child. Parents need to understand
that children—even young
children—are not entirely of their
parents’ making. Outside influences
from friends, school, the media, and
the world at large also shape each
child’s psyche. Our children are
individuals who, by virtue of having
the power to commit a violent act,
are responsible for that act.
Spouses
often suffer additional guilt over a
perceived failure of responsibility,
or because of the perceived or
actual accusations of others.
(Families of suicide victims have
been known to direct blame at the
surviving spouse.) While husbands
and wives vow to care for one
another, we must realize that even
the most caring spouse cannot assume
responsibility for their partner’s
suicide. Spouses may also feel a
greater sense of abandonment and
some may come to judge their entire
relationship in the light of their
spouse’s final act. Guilt continues
to resurface if surviving spouses
eventually move on to new
relationships. Again, we must
remind ourselves of what is really
the root cause of the
tragedy—depression, emotional
illness, and other factors beyond
our control— not our shortcomings as
wife or husband.
Siblings
often identify closely with one
another, making the suicide of one
especially painful for those left
behind. It can be a reminder of our
own mortality. (Older generations
are supposed to die, but not your
own.) Siblings may not receive the
same level of sympathy or support as
parents, children or spouses.
Parents may overcompensate after the
loss of a child by focusing
uncomfortably on the surviving
sibling(s)—or withdraw from them,
seemingly having nothing left to
give. It’s essential that families
pull together with mutual support
and by sharing their feelings
openly.
In his book, Suicide and Its
Aftermath, author Bruce Conley
states, “Many deaths leave survivors
with unfinished business, but few
may be said to create more of it
than suicide.” In addition to all
the challenges described on the
preceding pages, there are some
special situations that (believe it
or not) bring even worse
complications...
Suicide “witnesses.”
If you actually saw your loved one
commit suicide or discovered their
body, then you face the additional
pain and shock of that experience.
Often, that horrible vision of their
final physical injury haunts us.
Try your best to supplant that
image. A photo, a memory, or even
funereal viewing may help to replace
it with one that more truly reflects
who your loved one was.
The public suicide.
Suicide victims who choose a public
method—such as jumping from a
building—potentially leave their
loved ones with added
complications. There may be
unwelcome media attention and a
greater level of involvement by the
authorities. If you face this
situation, make sure you enlist the
services of an attorney who is both
knowledgeable about and sensitive to
suicide issues. And don’t let legal
or logistic battles distract you
from the very private healing you
need to do.
Accused!
Sometimes, survivors face more than
the judgment of others—they face
formal accusations of
responsibility, either from fellow
survivors or from the authorities.
For the latter, bear in mind that
police are compelled to treat any
apparent suicide as a murder until
the facts are ascertained. If an
unfortunate clouding of facts makes
you a genuine suspect in a criminal
investigation, again, an attorney
who has specific understanding of
suicide cases is imperative.
Likewise if you face the rare (but
not unheard of) harassment or legal
action by someone who unfairly holds
you responsible. Your greater
challenge in this event will be not
allowing a false accusation to
undermine your knowledge that the
only person responsible for a
suicide is the victim.
Acceptance
is the key to healing for the
survivor of suicide,
but it is a deceptively simple
concept. First of all, most
of us operate under the assumption
that we are already
“accepting” the suicide. After all,
only a deluded few would fail
to believe that the event
actually happened. That’s
“acceptance,” isn’t it?
It may be the beginnings of
acceptance, but it’s not the entire
understanding. Accepting a suicide
means not only acknowledging the
basic reality, but accepting the
contributing factors and the
ramifications of it— without
embellishing them with invented
ideas, either positive or negative.
For example, you might have to
accept that your loved one lost a
very long battle with depression.
If you were to embellish this
reality either positively (by
denying the fact that such a severe
emotional illness could have existed
within them) or negatively
(by unfairly holding yourself
responsible for not having “cured”
them of it), then you are not truly
accepting the suicide for what it
is—a tragic event that, while wholly
unwelcome, was beyond the control of
you and those around you.
Reconciling with a suicide victim
Losing someone to a “conventional”
death, while difficult, does not
interfere with our happy memories of
them. But suicide survivors often
feel disconnected and “divorced”
from the memory of their lost
loved one. Because they chose to end
their lives—to our rational minds,
an inconceivable act—we are now in a
state of conflict with them. At some
point, we need to “reconcile” with
them—and somehow, we have to
accomplish this alone.
Unfortunately, this usually takes
some time. For most survivors, it’s
a reward that lies somewhat down the
road, after we have passed through
all the fury of our emotional
gauntlet and achieved
acceptance—acceptance of our human
limitations, of our loved one’s
debilitated condition, and of our
lives as they now lay before us.
In this way, acceptance is not
unlike a process of separating myth
from fact. Here are some examples...
MYTH we must reject.... FACT we
must accept...
It’s my fault that this happened.
It’s the fault of their doctor.
spouse/parents, etc.
The only person who truly bears
responsibility for a suicide is ---
the victim
If I had managed to stop this
suicide attempt, they would’ve been
okay.
I have no way of knowing what
would’ve happened if events.
Had played out differently.
Many people go on to commit suicide,
despite repeated rescues, even while
under the care of trained mental
health professionals.
The person I lost is a horrible
person for having done this.
The person I lost was probably
suffering from an emotional illness,
and should be judged otherwise.
The person I lost was a saint who
could never do any wrong.
The person I lost made a tragic,
regrettable choice to end their
life.
I should have seen this coming.
I cannot predict the future, and did
the best I could with the knowledge
I had
I should have been able to save
them.
I am only human and can’t control
all the events around me.
I can never be happy again.
My life will be forever changed by
my loss, but my life will go on.
Life
goes on.” “Time heals.” “Tomorrow is
another day.”
If you haven’t already, you will
likely be offered these time-worn
adages until they make you want to
scream. But our discomfort when
faced with these tiny kernels of
truth may come from a reluctance
to see our lives move past this
tragedy—as if continuing to live is
an affront to the memory of our lost
loved one. Conversely, one shouldn’t
try to “move on” until truly ready
to. Trying to bravely brush aside
your feelings of grief and pain will
only prolong them. When should we
start getting on with life? The
answer is different for each one of
us. First and foremost, it’s
essential that we confront the
confusing and troubling emotions
that suicide has left in us. Some
survivors might come to a reasoned
and acceptable understanding of
their tragedy within a few months,
but most will take a year to get
through the toughest parts, and a
year or two more to truly feel ready
to live again. It’s a good idea to
refrain from making any major
life decisions in the first
year. (You are likely to regret
rash choices made in an hour of
grief.) However, life has a way of
moving us forward, ready or not. New
events and happenings unfold; new
faces enter our lives. Sometimes the
very arrival of these new
developments only serves to remind
us that our loved one is not here to
share in them. It might even feel
like you are “leaving” them behind.
But you will never leave the memory
of your loved one behind any more
than you can take their physical
being with you. With time and
healing, you will be able to cherish
fond memories of them—celebrating
their life as you continue to live
yours.
The Suicide Survivor’s Affirmation
by Jeffrey Jackson
Someone I loved very much has ended
their own life. I will never truly
know all that was happening in their
mind that brought them to that
tragic choice. However, there are
things of which I can be reasonably
certain...
— If they were here, even they could
not fully explain their mindset or
answer all of my questions.
— In their state of mind, they could
not have fully comprehended the
reality of their own death.
— They could not have fully
appreciated the devastating
impact their suicide would have
on the people in their life.
As such, by their last act, they
made their most tragic mistake,
unknowingly creating
unparalleled pain in the hearts of
those whom they most loved.
The person I lost is beyond my help
now in every way but one:
I can help them by working to ease
the pain they have caused and by not
allowing their most enduring legacy
to be one of tragedy.
They benefit from this help whether
or not I perceive them as
welcoming it, in the same way that
we help the aggressor whenever we
nurse his victim—by =
minimizing the damage he has caused.
As a result, each and every day,
I can help the person I lost
by...
...enjoying life.
...smiling and laughing.
...not dwelling in feelings of
sadness or remorse.
...loving others.
...taking new steps in life toward
positive new horizons.
...helping those who feel their loss
to do the same.
...and, in short, not letting their
mistake continue to create
sorrow, neither in the world
around me, nor in myself.
I will try to picture my lost loved
one asking me to do this every
day—to please help undo the damage
they caused in whatever little ways
possible. And I promise that I will.
Don’t
try to go it alone. There are lots
of people who understand what you’re
going through and are ready,
willing,
and able to help.
Support groups
provide one of the most valuable
resources for suicide survivors.
Here, you can meet and talk with (or
just listen to, if you prefer)
people who are in your shoes. You
can openly express your feelings and
experiences with a group of caring
individuals who will never judge
you, rebuff you, or make you feel
awkward. In addition to receiving
help, you’ll find tremendous benefit
in the help your testimony will
undoubtedly offer to others. Some
groups are run by mental health
professionals, while others are run
by peers.
To find one near you, contact...
The American Association of
Suicidology
www.suicidology.org
The American Foundation for Suicide
Prevention
(888) 333-AFSP (2377) www.afsp.org
Compassionate Friends
www.compassionatefriends.org
The Link’s National Resource Center
for Suicide Prevention and Aftercare
www.thelink.org
SPAN USA — Suicide Prevention Action
Network
www.spanusa.org
Books
about suicide and healing in its
aftermath offer great comfort and
support for many survivors.
A list of the more popular ones
includes...
No Time to Say Goodbye
by Carla Fine, published by
Doubleday
Why Suicide?
by Eustace Chesser, published by
Arrow Books
Support
Healing After the Suicide of A Loved
One
by Ann Smolin and John Guinan,
published by Simon & Schuster
Life After Suicide: A Ray of Hope
For Those Left Behind
by E. Betsy Ross, published by
Insight Books
My Son... My Son: A Guide to Healing
After Death, Loss or Suicide
by Iris Bolton with Curtis Mitchell,
published by Bolton Press
Mental health professionals
can offer tremendous healing and
guidance for suicide survivors.
Below are just a few of the
organizations through which you
might find a qualified therapist or
counselor:
American Psychiatric Association
www.psych.org
American Psychological Association
www.apa.org
National Board for Certified
Counselors and Affiliates
www.nbcc.org
The Suicide Survivor’s Bill of
Rights
I have the right to be free of
guilt.
I have the right not to feel
responsible for the suicide death.
I have the right to express my
feelings and emotions,
even if they do not seem
acceptable,
as long as they do not interfere
with the rights of others.
I have the right to have my
questions answered honestly by
authorities and family members.
I have the right not to be
deceived because others feel they
can spare me further grief.
I have the right to maintain a
sense of hopefulness.
I have the right to peace and
dignity.
I have the right to positive
feelings about one I lost through
suicide,
regardless of events prior to or at
the time of the untimely death.
I have the right to retain my
individuality and not be judged
because of the suicide death.
I have the right to seek
counseling and support groups
to enable me to explore my
feelings honestly
to further the acceptance
process.
I have the right to reach
acceptance.
I have the right to a new
beginning.
I have the right to be.
In memory of Paul Trider, with
thanks to Jann Gingold, M.S., Dr.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, and Rev.
Henry Milan. Reprinted by permission
of JoAnn Mecca, Center for Inner
Growth and Wholeness, 123B Wolcott
Hill Road, Wethersfield CT. ©1984
JoAnne Mecca. All rights reserved.
Copies in .pdf format can be
downloaded from the internet, free
of charge, at
http://www.suicidology.org
Published by
American Association of Suicidology
4201 Connecticut Ave. NW, Suite 408,
Washington, DC 20008
©2003 Jeffrey Jackson. All rights
reserved. All excerpts and quotes
from other publications are the
copyrighted material of their
respective authors.
This book is dedicated to the life
of immeasurable value that was lived
by Gail Beth Levine Jackson.
May you have found the peace that
eluded you when you were here.
REFERENCES
1. Maris, Ronald W., Alan L. Berman
& Morton M. Silverman,
Comprehensive Textbook of
Suicidology,
The Guilford Press, 2000.
2. A personal observation related to
the author by an individual (name
withheld) who survived a suicide
attempt.
3. National Center for Health
Statistics, National Vital
Statistics
Reports (for year 2000), Vol. 50,
No. 16.
4. American Foundation for Suicide
Prevention, Facts About
Suicide.
5. Murphy, G.E. & Wetzel, R. D.
(1990) The lifetime risk of suicide
in alcoholism. Archives of
General Psychiatry, 47, 383-392.
6. National Institute for Mental
Health [Online]. Available from:
URL: www.nimh.nih.gov/research/suicidefaq.cfm
[2003/02/09].
7. Centers for Disease Control and
Prevention. Web-based Injury
Statistics Query and Reporting
System (WISQARS) [Online]. (2002).
National Center for Injury
Prevention and Control, Centers for
Disease Control and Prevention
(producer). Available from: URL:
www.cdc.gov/ncipc/wisqars
[2003/02/09].
8. Befrienders International
[Online]. Available from:
URL:www.befrienders.org
[2003/02/09].
9. Fine, Carla, No Time To Say
Goodbye, Doubleday, 1997 |
