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SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE
By
Jeffrey Jackson
This is a book for people
who have lost a loved one to suicide, written by someone who has
suffered the same loss.
I lost my wife, Gail, to
suicide several years ago. She was 33 when she took a deliberate
overdose of pills. The emotional journey of the ensuing weeks, months,
and years has been the most difficult of my life. But I survived and
have learned from my experience. Most of all, I have rebuilt my life and
found happiness again.
Impossible as
it may seem right now, you will survive this, too.
This book is not
intended to be a complete guide for the suicide survivor—it only
scratches the surface. There’s much more you can learn about coping with
your unique grief than what is offered here. There are many wonderful
books on the subject—some of which are listed inside— that I recommend
heartily. However, I’ve written this book as a kind of “bite-sized”
overview. It’s deliberately short and to the point to make the
information inside more accessible. You may even find it useful to carry
it around with you for awhile and refer to it during difficult moments.
This is also not a book about suicide prevention; there are many other
publications that address that challenge.
This book is for you.
For the person you lost, the
pain is over. Now it’s time to
start healing yours.
Introduction
Why we say suicide
“survivor
Suicide is different The
Emotional Roller Coaster.
Write yourself a script
Explaining suicide to
children
Shock & Grief
Guard your physical health
Stages of Grief
“Why?
A Theory: The Accumulation
of Pain
Is suicide a choice?
Learning from the stories
of others
Suicide Facts & Myths
Battling Guilt -“If
only I had...”
A true tale of two mothers
Mistaken assumptions
Anger & Blame
Special Circumstances
Acceptance
Reconciling with a suicide
victim
Moving On
The Suicide Survivor’s
Affirmation
Support
The Suicide Survivor’s
Bill of Rights
Someone you love has ended their own life —
and yours is forever changed.
You are a “survivor of
suicide,” and as that unwelcome designation implies, your survival—your
emotional survival—will depend on how well you learn to cope with
your tragedy. The bad news: Surviving this will be the second worst
experience of your life. The good news:
The worst is already over.
What you’re enduring is
one of the most horrific ordeals possible in human experience. In the
weeks and months after a suicide, survivors ride a roller coaster of
emotions unlike any other.
Suicide is different.
On top of all the grief
that people experience after a “conventional” death, you must walk a
gauntlet of guilt, confusion and emotional turmoil that is in many ways
unique to survivors of suicide.
“How
long will it take to get over this?”
You may ask yourself.
The truth is that you will
never “get over” it, but don’t let that thought discourage you. After
all, what kind of people would we be if we truly got over it, as if it
were something as trivial as a virus? Your hope lies in getting
through it, putting your loss in its proper perspective, and
accepting your life as it now lies before you, forever changed. If you
can do that, the peace you seek will follow.
Why we say suicide
“survivor”
We
apply the term “survivor” to our experience because it accurately
reflects the difficulties that face people who have lost a loved one to
suicide. Some people prefer the term “suicide griever,” fearing
confusion with someone who has attempted suicide themselves. Likewise,
some prefer the phrase “completed suicide” to “committed suicide,”
feeling the latter implies a criminal act. But there are no rules you
need obey. Do and say whatever makes you feel most comfortable.
Death
touches all of our lives sooner or later.
Sometimes it is expected,
as with the passing of an elderly relative; sometimes it comes suddenly
in the form of a tragic accident. But suicide is different. The
person you have lost seems to have chosen death, and that simple fact
makes a world of difference for those left to grieve. The suicide
survivor faces all the same emotions as anyone who mourns a death, but
they also face a somewhat unique set of painful feelings on top of their
grief...
GUILT.
Rarely
in other deaths do we encounter any feelings of responsibility.
Diseases, accidents, old age... we know instinctively that we cannot
cause or control these things. But the suicide survivor—even if they
were only on the periphery of the deceased’s life—invariably feels that
they might have, could have, or should have done something to prevent
the suicide. This mistaken assumption is the suicide survivor’s greatest
enemy. (See page 16).
STIGMA.
Society still attaches a stigma to suicide, and it is largely
misunderstood. While mourners usually receive sympathy and compassion,
the suicide survivor may encounter blame, judgment, or exclusion.
ANGER.
It’s
not uncommon to feel some form of anger toward a lost loved one, but
it’s intensified for survivors of suicide. For us, the person we lost is
also the murderer of the person we lost, bringing new meaning to the
term “love-hate” relationship. (See page 21).
DISCONNECTION.
When
we lose a loved one to disease or an accident, it is easier to retain
happy memories of them. We know that, if they could choose, they would
still be here with us. But it’s not as easy for the suicide survivor.
Because our loved one seems to have made a choice that is abhorrent to
us, we feel disconnected and “divorced” from their memory. We are in a
state of conflict with them, and we are left to resolve that conflict
alone.
The
challenge of coping with a loved one’s suicide is one of the most trying
ordeals anyone ever has to face, but make no mistake—you must
confront it. If you attempt to ignore it—sweep it under the carpet
of your life—you may only be delaying an even deeper pain. There are
people who have suffered breakdowns decades after a suicide,
because they refused or were forbidden to ever talk about it. Time
heals, but time alone cannot heal the suicide survivor. You must use
that time to heal yourself and lean on the help and support of others.
It might take years to truly restore your emotional well-being, but you
can be assured one thing: it will get easier. However,
some of the difficult emotions you should come to expect include...
You
may “backslide” from time to time.
You
might have a few days in a row where you feel better and then find your
sadness return suddenly— perhaps even years later. This is natural, so
don’t be discouraged. You will have ups and downs, but generally, coping
with your loss will get easier over time.
You
will encounter painful reminders unexpectedly.
A song
on the radio... the scent of their favorite dish... a photograph. Any of
these could bring on sudden feelings of sadness or even the sensation
that you are reliving the experience of the suicide. When it happens,
stay calm. Get away from the reminder if you need to and focus on
positive thoughts.onal
Roller Coaster
The
American Psychiatric Association ranks the trauma of losing a loved one
to suicide as “catastrophic”— on par with that of a concentration camp
experience.
Friends and relatives may not offer the support you need.
You
will truly learn who your friends are during this crisis. A casual
acquaintance may turn out to be your most reliable supporter, while a
lifelong friend might turn a deaf ear. Lean on the people who are ready,
willing, and able to help you and, rather than suffer the anger, try to
forgive those who can’t.
People
may make insensitive remarks.
Suicide is generally misunderstood, and people will feel inept at
offering you comfort. This is simply human nature and, while it would be
wonderful if people rose above it, try not to be too hard on those who
can’t. If you encounter someone who seems determined to upset you with
morbid curiosity, their own self-important theories, or some form of a
“guilt-trip,” simply sidestep them by saying “I’d rather not talk about
it right now,” and avoid conversing with them in the future.
Your
fear of people’s judgment may haunt you needlessly.
It’s
common to project our own feelings of guilt onto others by assuming that
they are judging us harshly in their minds. Give people the benefit of
the doubt and remind yourself that you are not a mind reader.
Others
may tire of talking about it long before you do.
Talking through your feelings and fears is essential for recovery from
your trauma. Unfortunately, while your closest supporters may be
willing to listen and share with you for a few weeks or months, there’s
likely to come a time when their thoughts move on from the suicide while
yours are still racing. This is why support groups are so valuable.
Fellow survivors understand what you’re feeling in a way that even your
closest friends cannot. Your fellow group members will never grow weary
of offering supportive words and sympathetic ears.
You
may feel bad about feeling good.
You’ll
laugh at a joke, smile at a movie, or enjoy a breath of fresh, spring
air, and then it will hit you: “How dare I feel good?” It’s common to
feel guilty when positive emotions start resurfacing, as if you’re
somehow trivializing your loss. Don’t feel guilty for enjoying the
simple human pleasures of daily life. You are entitled to them as much
as anyone, if not more. There will be plenty of time for tears. Take
whatever happiness life sends your way, no matter how small or brief.
Holidays, birthdays, and the anniversary of the suicide are often
difficult.
Generally, the first year, with all its “firsts” will be the
toughest, but these events may always be difficult times
for you. Rest assured that the anticipation of these days is
far worse than the day itself. It’s only twenty-four hours,
and it will pass as quickly as any other day.
New
milestones may bring feelings of guilt.
As
our lives naturally move forward, each new milestone—
a wedding, a birth, an accomplishment— may be accompanied
by new feelings of guilt and sadness. These events remind
us that our lives are moving forward—without our lost
loved one. This may even taste of betrayal, as if we are leaving them
behind. We must remind ourselves that we have chosen to live. Can it
not be fairly said that, if there is a divide between us, it is
they—not we who have placed it there
You
may entertain thoughts of suicide yourself.
The
risk of committing suicide is far greater for those who come from a
family in which suicide has been attempted. This may be due to the fact
that our loved one’s death has made the very idea of suicide far more
real in our lives, making it very common for survivors to have suicidal
thoughts themselves. However, you must balance your fear of this with
the knowledge that suicide is most often preceded by a history of
clinical depression. If you share this trait with your loved one, then
you may have a reason to seek professional help. However, you now know
better than anyone the pain and destruction that suicide causes in the
lives of those we love. The very fact that you are reading a book like
this one shows that your desire to heal and live far outweighs any
desire you have to end your life.
Write yourself a script
Suicide,
survivors often find themselves faced
with
uncomfortable questions from outsiders. It
will
help if you can anticipate some of these and
write
yourself a “script” of answers that you can
mentally keep at the ready.
For
example, when someone probes for details
of the
suicide that you are not comfortable
discussing with them, you might simply say, “I
don’t
really want to talk about it right now,” or
“I’m
sure we can find something happier to
discuss.”
When
new acquaintances learn of your loss,
they
may ask, “How did they die?” You should
have no
reservations about saying plainly, “They
took
their own life,” or a straightforward “They
committed suicide.”
But if
this is a casual acquaintance that you
wish to
deny this information, you would be
equally
justified in saying, “They suffered a long
illness,” which may very much be the truth.
The
more you fear these kinds of inquiries,
the
better a prepared “script” of answers will
serve
you.he Emotional Roller Coaster
Explaining suicide to
children,
As
confusing as it is to adults, think of the bewilderment suicide must
produce
in
children. Their young minds are naturally inquiring and are likely to be
less
shy
about asking questions than grownups. Others may need to be coaxed into
sharing their feelings.
Above
all, lies should not be used to shelter children from reality. This will
only
create the potential for later (and greater) trauma when the truth is
ultimately discovered, as it almost always is. Depending on their age,
children
can be taught that the person you’ve lost had an “illness inside their
brain, and
it
made them so sad that they didn’t want to live anymore.” A careful
balance
must be struck between not portraying the suicide victim as a bad person
but
making
it clear that their choice was bad, so as to clearly teach the child
that
suicide is not an acceptable course of action.
It is
also important to explain that not everyone who gets sick or feels sad
dies
from it. Teach them that there is help available for people who get sick
or
feel
depressed—help from doctors, friends, and from you, should they ever
need
it.
“It’s like a bad dream.”
“It’s like walking in
quicksand.”
“I feel as if they’re
going to walk through the door any minute.”
“I feel like they’ve
killed me, too.”
“All I do is cry.”
“How will I ever be happy
again?”
The shock and grief that
consumes us after we lose someone to suicide is overwhelming. It feels
like a hole out of which we cannot possibly climb. But these are natural
feelings that will dull as you pass beyond the early stages of the
grieving process. The best thing you can do is simply let yourself feel
this way. Don’t feel that you have to “hold it together” for anyone
else—not even for the benefit of children. If you need to talk about it
until you’re hoarse, then do it with anyone who will listen. If you need
to cry, then cry. (In fact, think of a day in which you cry as a “good
day.”)
It is never too early to
start healing.
Find a support group or a qualified therapist as soon as possible. Even
the longest journey begins with a single step, and you are taking that
step now simply by getting up each morning and choosing life.
Guard your physical
health.
Your
own health is probably the last thing on your mind as you attempt to
cope with your tragedy. However, you’re at risk and should take extra
care. Shock erodes your body’s natural resistance to disease and you’re
probably not getting enough sleep and nutrition. Some sleeplessness and
loss of appetite is normal; but if it persists, you should consult your
doctor.
Stages of Grief
While
you may hear or read about a detailed list of “grief stages,” it’s truly
different for each person. Some of the common emotions experienced by
anyone who mourns are listed below. You may encounter some or all of
them, and in no particular order...
SHOCK.
The
daze one feels immediately after a tragedy is actually the mind’s first
line of defense. It insulates you from having to process the entire
magnitude of it, allowing you to function until you can get your
bearings.
DENIAL.
Death
is the most difficult of all realities to accept. It is common to feel a
sense of impossibility, or that it’s all just a bad dream. In time, our
minds become more able to analyze the tragic event in a rational,
realistic way, allowing denial to give way to less troubling emotions.
GUILT.
Guilt
comes from a mistaken belief that we could have, or should have,
prevented the death from happening or from regret over reconciled
aspects of the relationship. In truth, we all do the best we can, given
our human shortcomings. We cannot predict the future, nor do we have
power over the events in our universe. It is human nature to
subconsciously blame oneself rather than accept these truths.
SADNESS.
Once
the “reactive” emotions have either passed or become manageable, the
basic sadness that accompanies any loss moves to the forefront. This may
be felt more acutely when confronted with reminders or special
occasions. As we gradually learn to accept our loss and embrace happy
memories of our lost loved one, we make room in our hearts for happiness
to re enter.
ANGER.
It is
common to feel anger toward the person you have lost. Many who mourn
feel a sense of abandonment. Others feel anger toward a real or
perceived culprit.
ACCEPTANCE.
This
is the mourner’s goal, to accept this tragic event as something that
could not have been prevented, and cannot be changed. Only with
acceptance, can you move on with your life.
Why
did they do it?”
This is the question that
will occupy much of your thoughts for some time. And if you think you
know the answer, you should think again, because chances are you’re only
seeing part of the picture.
The
Condition vs. the Catalyst.
Most suicides are
occasioned by a “catalyst” event: the breakup of a relationship, losing
a job, or learning of bad news. Misconceptions arise when we mistake one
of these isolated events for the cause of the suicide. Instead,
it is more likely just the “straw that broke the camel’s back.” Scratch
the surface and you will likely find years of emotional distress that
comprise the suicide victim’s “condition.” That condition may be
evident in some of these ways...
Emotional illness.
Up to
70% of people who die by suicide may suffer from what psychiatrists call
an “affective illness” such as major depression or a bipolar disorder.1
Prior
attempts.
Often
disguised as reckless behavior, many suicide victims have a history of
prior attempts.
Morbid
thoughts.
Many
suicidal people are unusually comfortable with the idea of death, or
convinced that a dark fate awaits them.
Hypersensitivity to pain.
Suicidal individuals often exhibit disproportionate emotional reactions
to problems and hardships—sometimes even to the hardships of others.
Some go to great lengths to help others because they simply cannot bear
the idea of pain, even if it is not their own.
A Theory: The Accumulation
of Pain
In
this author’s observation, suicidal depression is pain that seems to
“accumulate” from many experiences. While most people find ways to cope
with life’s common difficulties, the suicidal person—while seeming to
move past each setback, loss, and misfortune— continues to carry pain
from each trauma with them throughout their lives. With each new hurt
both great and small, a little more pain is added to this tragic cargo
until it becomes unbearable.“Why?”
A
chronic need for control.
Many
people who go on to die by suicide exhibit an obsessive need
for control—what you and I might call a “control freak.”
Their natural inability to cope with pain and misfortune
compels them to try to prevent it by orchestrating the events in
their world to an extreme degree.
The presence of any of
these or other factors demonstrates
that suicide
is rarely a sudden occurrence. It is far
more often the
result of a long, debilitating breakdown of an
individual’s
emotional health.
The
Suicidal Mind.
Attempting to decipher precisely the thoughts of the suicide victim is
much like trying to understand a foreign language by eavesdropping on a
conversation. You can analyze the sounds and syllables all day long, but
it’s not likely you’re going to understand much of what was said. Based
on the accounts of those who have attempted suicide and lived to tell
about it, we know that the primary goal of a suicide is not to
end life, but to end pain. People in the grips of a suicidal
depression are battling an emotional agony that, to them, is so severe
as to make dying a less objectionable alternative than living. One
likened the feeling to “being at the bottom of a deep, dark hole and,
rather than fighting to get out, wanting to burrow deeper into the
bottom.”2
“Is suicide a choice?
Choice
implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and
select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be
suicide. Suicide happens when... no other choices are seen.”
—Adina
Wrobleski, Suicide: Why? (1995)
One of the more painful
emotions felt by survivors comes when we try to empathize with the
severity of this pain. We try to envision what we would have to
feel to make the same choice, and when we imagine our loved one in that
kind of pain it’s almost too much to even consider. But there is a
flaw in this thought process. You are imagining what suicidal
depression looks like through your eyes—the eyes of a rational,
healthy mind. The suicidal person has a distorted view of
their world. Problems that seem solvable to us seem impossible to
them. Pain is amplified beyond reason and death appears to offer the
only possible relief. In fact, it is not uncommon for depressed patients
to stop taking an anti-depressant as soon as its beneficial effects
start to kick in. This may be caused by a fear of drug dependency, but
some theorize that it comes from a fear of having to face the world now
that a tool for doing so has been provided. The disease is preferable
to the cure. Instead of being a “last resort,” the severely depressed
person may view suicide as a plausible “Plan B.” It is this skewed
vision that once caused someone to wisely describe suicide as a
permanent “solution” to a temporary problem.
Suicide notes,
when present, can mislead more than they inform. By looking for answers
in a suicide note, we assume that the victim fully understood everything
that was happening to them, which may not be the case.
Chase
the “Why?” It’s
okay to want to understand as much about your loved one’s suicide as
possible. Seeking these answers is a necessary part of your grief. Some
people dissect the circumstances of the suicide with the zeal of a
detective. Examine and re-examine your loved one’s suicide as much or as
little as you need to. But be prepared to face the distinct possibility
that many of the answers you seek may be unknowable. Only after you’ve
exhausted your deductive abilities can you finally let go of the
“Why?” There will come a time when you will hopefully accept that a
satisfying explanation for your loss may not exist. And, even if it did,
it wouldn’t change what has happened. Once you can let go of “Why?”
you’ve taken a great step toward acceptance—the key to healing your
wounded heart.
“Suicide is a permanent solution to a
temporary problem.”
Learning
from the stories of others
In the
stories of others, suicide survivors may recognize common threads that
help us understand that we are not alone in the confusing sorrow we
face. Below are just a few of the more illuminating ones I’ve
encountered...
The
“Logical” Suicide.
Sarah*,
a woman of 65 was battling cancer and suffering great pain every day.
While her husband was out one afternoon, she ended her life with an
overdose. This seems like a somewhat logical act—except that, 40 years
earlier, when still young and physically fit, Sarah sank into a deep
depression triggered by, of all things, a cancelled luncheon appointment
and threatened to throw herself from the balcony of a hotel room. Is
suicide, for some, a tendency that is “built in”—an inevitable fate—or
was Sarah suffering from a recurrent undiagnosed and untreated
depression?
The Man
Who Had it All.
George*, an enormously successful businessman, killed himself the day
after closing on a merger worth millions of dollars to his company. In
his suicide note, he wrote that, despite his achievements, he had always
felt like an imposter; that he was driven by the need to prove
something, but inside, felt empty and unworthy. Further, he never felt
he got sufficient attention from his parents who demanded his
performance, then ignored his accomplishments. Throughout his life he
never sought help to deal with these issues.
* Not real name.
The
“Sudden” Suicide.
Phillip* was very depressed over being recently diagnosed with a
serious—but manageable—illness. He shot himself with a starter’s pistol
that he and his wife used in their sporting activities. However, as far
as his wife knew, they owned only blanks for the gun. Later, her son
recalled that, years earlier as a small child, he stumbled across an
envelope of bullets hidden among his father’s belongings. This “recently
depressed” man had planned his suicide—ten years earlier.
The
“Suitcase.”
Joan*
took her own life despite years of medical treatment for her emotional
problems, hospitalization, and several rescues from previous attempts.
In her note, she described her pain as a “heavy suitcase” that she had
been carrying her whole life. Whenever something bad happened to her,
she wrote “it was like a wheel had fallen off... then a buckle would
break... then the handle.” Had emotional pain been “accumulating” inside
this woman until it overwhelmed her?
The
Holocaust Victim.
One of
the most famous stories of suicide is the death of Tadeusz Borowski,
author and Holocaust survivor. Despite surviving the horrors of
Auschwitz, Borowski ended his life five years later by gas poisoning
—three days after the birth of his daughter. How could a man face down
the trauma of the Holocaust and fail to cope with ordinary life? Was
Mr. Borowski’s suicide an echo of his earlier trauma? Were his emotional
wounds so deep that their pain continued to resonate and build for years
afterward.
The
Vengeful Survivor.
Mary*
attended my local support group and seemed to be having a harder time
coping than any of us—despite the fact that five years had passed since
her son’s suicide. She spoke of her son as one might speak of a martyred
saint, refusing to consider, even briefly, that her son bore any
responsibility for his suicide. Instead, she focused on a list of
culprits whom she felt were to blame—her son’s employer, psychologist,
and ex-girlfriend topping the list. It seemed, for Mary, that her
healing was impeded by her quest for a scapegoat in her son’s suicide,
and by her unwillingness to accept the reality of the emotional crisis
he was likely suffering.
* Not real name.
FACT:
Nearly 30,000 Americans commit suicide each year.
Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the nation, claiming twice
as many lives each year as HIV/AIDS.
FACT:
Male suicides outnumber female suicides by 4 to 1.
However, three times as many women attempt suicide. The reason for this
is not certain, but many feel male tendencies towards greater
aggressiveness makes their attempts more often fatal.3
MYTH:
Teenagers are more likely to kill themselves.
A
common misconception caused by media coverage of teen suicides. In fact,
white males over 65 are the people most likely to die by suicide.
However, the suicide rate for white males aged 15–24 has tripled since
1950, and has more than doubled for children aged 10–14.
FACT:
Up to 70% of all people who die by suicide may suffer from an affective
illness such as depression or bipolar disorder.
FACT:
Alcoholism is a factor in about 20% of all suicides.
Up to
18% of alcoholics may die by suicide.
MYTH:
If there was no note, then it couldn’t have been suicide.
Only
one in four or five people who commit suicide leave a note. The absence
of a note does not indicate an accidental suicide, nor does the presence
of one reflect the thoughts of a rational mind.
MYTH:
People who talk about committing suicide, don’t.
Suicide victims often make their suicidal feelings and intentions known.
While this does not necessarily mean that the suicide could have been
prevented, anyone who threatens or talks of suicide should be taken
seriously and urged to seek professional help as soon as possible.
FACT:
Firearms are now used in more suicides than homicides.
It’s
the fastest-growing method, used in nearly 60% of all suicides. Next is
hanging/strangulation/suffocation at nearly 20%; solid & liquid
poisons/overdoses comprise about 10%; gas poisons are used about 6% of
the time; the remaining number of suicides employ other methods
including jumping from a high place, cutting & piercing, drowning,
jumping/lying before moving object, burns & fire, and crashing of a
motor vehicle.7
MYTH:
Someone who attempts suicide will not try it again.
Many
suicide victims have made prior attempts, sometimes several. These
attempts can be in the form of reckless behavior that is not recognized
as suicidal.
MYTH:
Suicide is hereditary.
There
is no “suicide gene.” However, if you come from a family where someone
has killed himself, you are at greater risk of suicide than the average
person. The reason isn’t clear, but part of it may be due to the example
set by the relative, and part of it due to inherited factors such as
depression and temperament.6
FACT:
Up to 15% of all fatal traffic accidents may be suicides
according to some experts.9
MYTH:
Once a suicidal crisis has passed, the person is out of danger.
Many suicides in which there was a prior attempt occur during a
period of perceived improvement in mood and state of mind. It is
theorized that this is because the individual has regained the
energy to put his suicidal thoughts into action.8
MYTH:
Most people kill themselves during winter or the Christmas holidays.
In
fact, the most common season for suicide is spring, when the
contrast between depression and nature’s annual rebirth may make
life seem increasingly intolerable for the suicidal.
Guilt
is the one negative emotion that seems to be universal to all survivors
of suicide, and overcoming it is perhaps
our greatest obstacle on the path to healing. Guilt is your worst enemy,
because it is a false accusation.
You
are not responsible for your loved one’s suicide in any way, shape, or
form.
Write it down. Say it to
yourself over and over
again, (even
when it feels false). Tattoo it onto your brain.
Because it’s the truth.
Why do suicide survivors tend to blame themselves? Psychiatrists
theorize that human nature subconsciously resists so strongly the idea
that we cannot control all the events of our lives that we would rather
fault ourselves for a tragic occurrence than accept our inability to
prevent it. Simply put, we don’t like admitting to ourselves that we’re
only human, so we blame ourselves instead. One of the most unusual
aspects of survivor guilt is that it is usually a solo trip— each
survivor tends to blame primarily themselves. Try asking another
person who is also mourning your lost loved one about any guilt feelings
that are haunting them. Chances are you will find that each person— no
matter how close or removed they were from the suicide victim—willingly
takes the lion’s share of blame on themselves. If they were the one
closest to the deceased then they theorize, “I should’ve known exactly
what was going on in their mind.” If they were distanced from that
person, they feel, “If I’d only been closer to them...” Well, you can’t
all be to blame, can you? Isn’t it far more logical that none of
you are responsible? Well, then who is? The simple truth of the matter
is that only one person is responsible for any suicide: the victim.
But that’s a tough pill to swallow, so instead of ascribing
responsibility to our suffering loved one, we nobly sacrifice by taking
it on ourselves. It’s understandable to feel such love and empathy
toward the person we lost that we are loathe placing blame on them.
The key lies in understanding the difference between blame and
responsibility. Blame is accusatory and judgmental, but assigning
responsibility need only be a simple acknowledgement of fact. It’s
unclear how much control, if any, suicide victims have over their
actions. And if clinical depression is at the root, and then we could
easily think of suicides as victims of disease, just like cancer
victims. This is why a person who dies by suicide doesn’t deserve
blame. However, on some level, there was a conscious choice made by
that person, even if it was made with a clouded mind. So the
responsibility does lie with them. Acknowledging this simple fact
does not mean that you did not love them, nor does it mean that you are
holding them in contempt. It means that you are looking at a tragic
event clearly and accepting it for what it is.
“Guilt is what we feel when we place our
anger where it doesn’t belong— on ourselves.”
A guilt-busting exercise:
Make a list of all the things that you did to
help and comfort your lost loved one. You’ll probably find the list is
longer than you realized.
Guilt
is anger turned inward.
Suicide produces many
painful and confusing emotions in survivors, one of which is frustration
at being so violently cut off from the victim—from the chance to help
them, talk with them, or even simply to say goodbye. This frustration
produces anger, and when we turn this anger upon ourselves, the result
is guilt. Guilt can also come from an unfounded assumption
that others are silently blaming us. Both parents and spouses express
fear that the world at large will brand them as failures in their
respective roles because of the suicide. While some small-minded people
may think or even speak such accusations, most will not, so don’t
project negative thoughts onto others by judging yourself for them.
”If only I had...”
A true
tale of two mothers
There
were two young women who died by suicide, both about the same age, both
after a years-long battle with depression. Each had made several suicide
attempts. They would refuse professional help and stop taking their
medication just when it seemed to begin helping. Fearing for her life,
the first woman’s mother had her committed—against her wishes—to a
psychiatric clinic for treatment. While there, despite being on “suicide
watch,” the young girl asphyxiated herself with her bed sheets. The
second woman’s mother constantly urged her daughter to seek professional
help. However, fearing that she would worsen her daughter’s depression,
she refused to force her into any kind of institutionalized care. One
day, she killed herself with an overdose of medication. Afterwards,
both mothers blamed themselves for not preventing their daughter’s
suicides. The irony is that each blamed themselves for not doing
exactly what the other one did. The first mother felt that if she
hadn’t isolated her daughter in that institution, she wouldn’t have lost
her. The second was sure that if she only had committed her daughter,
she would’ve been saved. We often fail to realize that, even if we
could turn back the clock and do things differently, it wouldn’t
necessarily change the outcome.
Parents of
children who die by suicide often battle an added type of guilt. Even if
they do not blame themselves for not directly intervening in the
suicidal act, they often feel guilt over some perceived mistake in
raising their children. “Where did I go wrong?,” “I pushed them too
hard.” And “If we hadn’t gotten divorced...” are just a few on the list
of self-recriminations. But parents need to remind themselves that,
while they have great influence over their children’s lives, they do not
personally create every aspect of their children’s being, as a sculptor
carves a statue. From their earliest years, children are shaped by an
assortment of outside influences beyond the control of parents. Even
children and teenagers have to bear responsibility for their actions.
Spouses also
tend to feel acutely guilty for a suicide. The natural partnership that
comprises marriage implies a mutual responsibility to look after each
other. But spouses need to realize that the root causes of
suicide—notably clinical depression—are beyond the control of even the
most devoted husband or wife and that even mental health
professionals often fail to detect the warning signs of suicide.
“I’m
glad they did it.”
Though rarely expressed
aloud, many survivors feel a measure of relief, especially when the
suicide victim’s emotional battles were well known to them and
punctuated with traumatic episodes and suicide attempts. To breathe
easier because they—and you—are now spared from future torment is
understandable. However, such feelings of relief are usually followed by
a rush of guilt for having had them. If you have these feelings,
recognize them as natural, and give yourself a break. Anyone who has had
to witness and suffer the long, emotional descent of a loved one would
feel a pang of relief at that rocky road’s end.
Moving
forward with
your life brings its own dose of guilt.
Whether it’s
returning to the simple routine of daily subsistence
or embarking on new
journeys in life, survivors often
feel as if this is
some affront to the person we’ve lost. “How
can I live knowing
they’re not here?” your mind may taunt
you. Your strength
lies in knowing that, while your lost
loved one has
chosen death, you have chosen life—and life
is a gift that
we honor by living.
Mistaken assumptions
The
suicide survivor is prone to many self-defeating assumptions, all
of which are likely to be mistaken...
“I
know why they did it.”
The
motivations behind suicide are complex and often inexplicable. False
conclusions about your loved one’s suicide may only add to your own
pain.
“If
I’d only done (X), they’d still be alive.”
Thinking that you (or anyone else) had could have prevented the suicide,
is assuming that we all have far more power over the lives of others
than we actually do. Furthermore, many suicide victims persist and
succeed in ending their lives despite being rescued before.
“It’s
their wife’s/parents’/doctor’s fault.”
Blaming others is a form of denial. Only by facing the truth of your
loss and the responsibility that lies with the victim can you recover
from grief.
“I
know what people think about me.”
While
suicide survivors are still often stigmatized, our fear of it becomes
self-fulfilling when we mistakenly project negative thoughts onto others.
“I
will never be able to enjoy life again.”
Don’t
deny your mind’s natural ability to heal. While your life may be forever
changed, it need not be forever painful.
Negative
emotions surround the suicide survivor, complicating our road back from
sorrow. Anger is a natural part
of the grieving process, but survivors of suicide are far more
susceptible to it—and not without justification. Anyone who mourns may
feel anger—frustration at being powerless in the face of death or rage
at some real or perceived culprit. However, those who mourn a suicide
know the identity of the responsible party—and who wouldn’t feel anger
toward the person who ended the life of someone we love and who
devastated everyone around us? Many will be loathe viewing their loved
one in such harsh light, but the concept is there in our minds, at the
core of our despair. At some point, that anger may surface. If you feel
such anger, don’t try to repress it—let it out. It’s a natural part of
your healing process. You won’t hate them forever. Quite the contrary—once
expressed, it will be easier for you to let go of your anger and begin
to embrace positive thoughts and happy memories of your lost loved one.
Blaming others.
Some survivors feel
the need for a culprit, again out of a reluctance to place
responsibility on the suicide victim. “It’s the doctor’s fault.” “His
wife/mother/brother drove him to it.” “If only the government had a
better program...” Some even pour their frustration into crusades
against some perceived social evil that is responsible for their loved
one’s suicide. While these people seem to have a productive focus for
their grief, they are only hurting themselves by not facing the truth of
their loved one’s suicide. Their road back to peace is made
longer and rockier by misdirected anger.
While
all suicide survivors face many of the same challenges, each may also
face difficulties unique to their relationship with the victim...
Parents
face
the potential for unique forms of guilt, although it is just as
unfounded as the guilt typically experienced by survivors. While parents
might forgive themselves for being unable to intervene in the suicidal
act, they may blame themselves for some perceived mistake made in
raising their child. Parents need to understand that children—even
young children—are not entirely of their parents’ making. Outside
influences from friends, school, the media, and the world at large also
shape each child’s psyche. Our children are individuals who, by virtue
of having the power to commit a violent act, are responsible for that
act.
Spouses
often
suffer additional guilt over a perceived failure of responsibility, or
because of the perceived or actual accusations of others. (Families of
suicide victims have been known to direct blame at the surviving
spouse.) While husbands and wives vow to care for one another, we must
realize that even the most caring spouse cannot assume responsibility
for their partner’s suicide. Spouses may also feel a greater sense of
abandonment and some may come to judge their entire relationship in the
light of their spouse’s final act. Guilt continues to resurface if
surviving spouses eventually move on to new relationships. Again, we
must remind ourselves of what is really the root cause of the
tragedy—depression, emotional illness, and other factors beyond our
control— not our shortcomings as wife or husband.
Siblings
often
identify closely with one another, making the suicide of one especially
painful for those left behind. It can be a reminder of our own
mortality. (Older generations are supposed to die, but not your own.)
Siblings may not receive the same level of sympathy or support as
parents, children or spouses. Parents may overcompensate after the loss
of a child by focusing uncomfortably on the surviving sibling(s)—or
withdraw from them, seemingly having nothing left to give. It’s
essential that families pull together with mutual support and by sharing
their feelings openly.
In his book, Suicide
and Its Aftermath, author Bruce Conley states, “Many deaths leave
survivors with unfinished business, but few may be said to create more
of it than suicide.” In addition to all the challenges described on the
preceding pages, there are some special situations that (believe it or
not) bring even worse complications...
Suicide “witnesses.”
If you
actually saw your loved one commit suicide or discovered their body,
then you face the additional pain and shock of that experience. Often,
that horrible vision of their final physical injury haunts us. Try your
best to supplant that image. A photo, a memory, or even funereal viewing
may help to replace it with one that more truly reflects who your loved
one was.
The
public suicide.
Suicide victims who choose a public method—such as jumping from a
building—potentially leave their loved ones with added complications.
There may be unwelcome media attention and a greater level of
involvement by the authorities. If you face this situation, make sure
you enlist the services of an attorney who is both knowledgeable about
and sensitive to suicide issues. And don’t let legal or logistic battles
distract you from the very private healing you need to do.
Accused!
Sometimes, survivors face more than the judgment of others—they face
formal accusations of responsibility, either from fellow survivors or
from the authorities. For the latter, bear in mind that police are
compelled to treat any apparent suicide as a murder until the facts are
ascertained. If an unfortunate clouding of facts makes you a genuine
suspect in a criminal investigation, again, an attorney who has specific
understanding of suicide cases is imperative. Likewise if you face the
rare (but not unheard of) harassment or legal action by someone who
unfairly holds you responsible. Your greater challenge in this event
will be not allowing a false accusation to undermine your knowledge that
the only person responsible for a suicide is the victim.
Acceptance
is the key to healing for the survivor of suicide,
but it is a deceptively simple concept. First of all, most of us
operate under the assumption that we are already “accepting” the
suicide. After all, only a deluded few would fail to
believe that the event actually happened. That’s
“acceptance,” isn’t it?
It may be the beginnings
of acceptance, but it’s not the entire understanding. Accepting a
suicide means not only acknowledging the basic reality, but accepting
the contributing factors and the ramifications of it— without
embellishing them with invented ideas, either positive or negative. For
example, you might have to accept that your loved one lost a very long
battle with depression. If you were to embellish this reality either
positively (by denying the fact that such a severe emotional illness
could have existed within them) or negatively (by unfairly
holding yourself responsible for not having “cured” them of it), then
you are not truly accepting the suicide for what it is—a tragic event
that, while wholly unwelcome, was beyond the control of you and those
around you.
Reconciling with a suicide
victim
Losing
someone to a “conventional” death, while difficult, does not interfere
with our happy memories of them. But suicide survivors often feel
disconnected and “divorced” from the memory of their lost
loved
one. Because they chose to end their lives—to our rational minds, an
inconceivable act—we are now in a state of conflict with them. At some
point, we need to “reconcile” with them—and somehow, we have to
accomplish this alone. Unfortunately, this usually takes some time. For
most survivors, it’s a reward that lies somewhat down the road, after we
have passed through all the fury of our emotional gauntlet and achieved
acceptance—acceptance of our human limitations, of our loved one’s
debilitated condition, and of our lives as they now lay before us.
In this way, acceptance is
not unlike a process of separating myth from fact. Here are some
examples...
MYTH
we must reject.... FACT we must accept...
It’s
my fault that this happened. It’s the fault of their doctor.
spouse/parents, etc.
The
only person who truly bears
responsibility for a suicide is --- the victim
If I
had managed to stop this suicide attempt, they would’ve been okay.
I have
no way of knowing what would’ve happened if events.
Had
played out differently.
Many people go on to commit suicide, despite repeated rescues, even
while under the care of trained mental health professionals.
The person I lost is a horrible person for having done this.
The
person I lost was probably suffering from an emotional illness, and
should be judged otherwise.
The person I lost was a saint who could never do any wrong.
The
person I lost made a tragic, regrettable choice to end their life.
I should have seen this coming.
I
cannot predict the future, and did the best I could with the knowledge I
had
I should have been able to save them.
I am
only human and can’t control all the events around me.
I can never be happy again.
My
life will be forever changed by my loss, but my life will go on.
Life
goes on.” “Time heals.” “Tomorrow is another day.”
If you haven’t already,
you will likely be offered these time-worn adages until they make you
want to
scream. But our discomfort
when faced with these tiny kernels of truth may come from a
reluctance to see our lives move past this tragedy—as if continuing
to live is an affront to the memory of our lost loved one. Conversely,
one shouldn’t try to “move on” until truly ready to. Trying to bravely
brush aside your feelings of grief and pain will only prolong them. When
should we start getting on with life? The answer is different for each
one of us. First and foremost, it’s essential that we confront the
confusing and troubling emotions that suicide has left in us. Some
survivors might come to a reasoned and acceptable understanding of their
tragedy within a few months, but most will take a year to get through
the toughest parts, and a year or two more to truly feel ready to live
again. It’s a good idea to refrain from making any major life
decisions in the first year. (You are likely to regret rash choices
made in an hour of grief.) However, life has a way of moving us forward,
ready or not. New events and happenings unfold; new faces enter our
lives. Sometimes the very arrival of these new developments only serves
to remind us that our loved one is not here to share in them. It might
even feel like you are “leaving” them behind. But you will never leave
the memory of your loved one behind any more than you can take their
physical being with you. With time and healing, you will be able to
cherish fond memories of them—celebrating their life as you continue to
live yours.
The Suicide Survivor’s
Affirmation
by Jeffrey Jackson
Someone I loved very much has ended their own life. I will never truly
know all that was happening in their mind that brought them to that
tragic choice. However, there are things of which I can be reasonably
certain...
— If
they were here, even they could not fully explain their mindset or
answer all of my questions.
— In
their state of mind, they could not have fully comprehended the
reality of their own death.
— They
could not have fully appreciated the devastating
impact their suicide would have on the people in their
life.
As
such, by their last act, they made their most tragic mistake,
unknowingly creating unparalleled pain in the hearts of those whom
they most loved. The person I lost is beyond my help now in every
way but one:
I can
help them by working to ease the pain they have caused and by not
allowing their most enduring legacy to be one of tragedy.
They
benefit from this help whether or not I perceive them as
welcoming it, in the same way that we help the aggressor whenever we
nurse his victim—by = minimizing the damage he has caused.
As a result, each and every day, I can help the person I lost
by...
...enjoying life.
...smiling and laughing.
...not dwelling in feelings of sadness or remorse.
...loving others.
...taking new steps in life toward positive new horizons.
...helping those who feel their loss to do the same.
...and, in short, not letting their mistake continue to create
sorrow, neither in the world around me, nor in myself.
I will
try to picture my lost loved one asking me to do this every day—to
please help undo the damage they caused in whatever little ways
possible. And I promise that I will.
Don’t
try to go it alone. There are lots of people who understand what you’re
going through and are ready, willing,
and able to help.
Support groups
provide one of the most valuable resources for suicide survivors. Here,
you can meet and talk with (or just listen to, if you prefer) people who
are in your shoes. You can openly express your feelings and experiences
with a group of caring individuals who will never judge you, rebuff you,
or make you feel awkward. In addition to receiving help, you’ll find
tremendous benefit in the help your testimony will undoubtedly offer to
others. Some groups are run by mental health professionals, while others
are run by peers.
To
find one near you, contact...
The
American Association of Suicidology
(202)
237-2280
www.suicidology.org
The
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
(888)
333-AFSP (2377) www.afsp.org
Compassionate Friends
(877)
969-0010 www.compassionatefriends.org
The
Link’s National Resource Center for Suicide Prevention and Aftercare
(404)
256-2919 www.thelink.org
SPAN
USA — Suicide Prevention Action Network
(888)
649-1366 www.spanusa.org
Books
about
suicide and healing in its aftermath offer great comfort and support for
many survivors.
A list of the more popular ones includes...
No
Time to Say Goodbye
by
Carla Fine, published by Doubleday
Why
Suicide?
by
Eustace Chesser, published by Arrow Books
Support
Healing After the Suicide of A Loved One
by Ann
Smolin and John Guinan, published by Simon & Schuster
Life
After Suicide: A Ray of Hope For Those Left Behind
by E.
Betsy Ross, published by Insight Books
My
Son... My Son: A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss or Suicide
by
Iris Bolton with Curtis Mitchell, published by Bolton Press
Mental
health professionals
can
offer tremendous healing and guidance for suicide survivors. Below are
just a few of the organizations through which you might find a qualified
therapist or counselor:
American Psychiatric Association
(800)
964-2000 www.psych.org
American Psychological Association
(800)
374-2721 www.apa.org
National Board for Certified Counselors and Affiliates
(336)
547-0607 www.nbcc.org
The Suicide Survivor’s
Bill of Rights
I have
the right to be free of guilt.
I have
the right not to feel responsible for the suicide death.
I have
the right to express my feelings and emotions,
even if they do not seem acceptable,
as long as they do not interfere with the rights of others.
I have
the right to have my questions answered honestly by authorities and
family members.
I have
the right not to be deceived because others feel they can spare me
further grief.
I have
the right to maintain a sense of hopefulness.
I have
the right to peace and dignity.
I have
the right to positive feelings about one I lost through suicide,
regardless of events prior to or at the time of the untimely death.
I have
the right to retain my individuality and not be judged because of the
suicide death.
I have
the right to seek counseling and support groups
to enable me to explore my feelings honestly
to further the acceptance process.
I have
the right to reach acceptance.
I have
the right to a new beginning.
I have
the right to be.
In
memory of Paul Trider, with thanks to Jann Gingold, M.S., Dr. Elisabeth
Kübler-Ross, and Rev. Henry Milan. Reprinted by permission of JoAnn
Mecca, Center for Inner Growth and Wholeness, 123B Wolcott Hill Road,
Wethersfield CT. ©1984 JoAnne Mecca. All rights reserved.
Copies
in .pdf format can be downloaded from the internet, free of charge, at
http://www.suicidology.org
Published by
American Association of Suicidology
4201
Connecticut Ave. NW, Suite 408,
Washington, DC 20008
(202)
237-2280
©2003
Jeffrey Jackson. All rights reserved. All excerpts and quotes from other
publications are the copyrighted material of their respective authors.
This book is dedicated to
the life of immeasurable value that was lived by Gail Beth Levine
Jackson.
May you have found the
peace that eluded you when you were here.
REFERENCES
1. Maris, Ronald W., Alan
L. Berman & Morton M. Silverman,
Comprehensive Textbook of
Suicidology, The
Guilford Press, 2000.
2. A personal observation
related to the author by an individual (name withheld) who survived a
suicide attempt.
3. National Center for
Health Statistics, National Vital Statistics
Reports (for year 2000),
Vol. 50, No. 16.
4. American Foundation for
Suicide Prevention, Facts About
Suicide.
5. Murphy, G.E. & Wetzel,
R. D. (1990) The lifetime risk of suicide in alcoholism. Archives of
General Psychiatry, 47, 383-392.
6. National Institute for
Mental Health [Online]. Available from: URL: www.nimh.nih.gov/research/suicidefaq.cfm
[2003/02/09].
7. Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention. Web-based Injury Statistics Query and Reporting
System (WISQARS) [Online]. (2002). National Center for Injury
Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
(producer). Available from: URL: www.cdc.gov/ncipc/wisqars
[2003/02/09].
8. Befrienders
International [Online]. Available from: URL:www.befrienders.org
[2003/02/09].
9. Fine, Carla, No Time
To Say Goodbye, Doubleday, 1997.
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